Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Best Laid Plans (Part 9)

I Can’t Fight This Feeling

I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve put too much expectation into this trip. Due to the fact that, after a long term relationship with someone, your worlds inevitably get smaller and more connected, I have discovered numerous things about my ex’s life these past few months. To be frank, it is information that sends a pretty clear message that I have long ago left any area of his brain. Disturbing though it may be at the speed with which this process has happened, I will put aside my thoughts on why and how this has occurred. As I’ve mentioned before, it wouldn’t be fair to him or me to try to map out a relationship on a blog. However, I can admit that I still carry him with me. This is my first major venture without his influence for about ten years. And as I make decisions about the project, I sometimes find myself imagining conversations that would have taken place had he not left. Now I realize of course, that had he not left I likely wouldn’t be going on this trip at all, and yet, there he is, like a squatter in my mind. Although people tell me that this is normal – that it is in fact, more useful and healthy to walk slowly toward your new life rather than to swiftly run in another direction – to either another person or another life choice – I must say, sometimes I wish I could sleep and wake up in 5 years. It’s not that I don’t want this trip – quite the contrary – I’m eager for it to begin – I just lately have been feeling the weight of the circumstances surrounding its birth. As the ‘what if’s’ associated with any project fall away into a more relaxed feeling of going with the flow, the burden of why the trip is even happening seems to be rearing its ugly head. And that’s what makes me wonder two things: just how many expectations have I put on this trip and why do people give up on each other so quickly?

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