A while back, I wrote a blog about a little habit I have that drives my good friend, Alicia up a wall. If you don't remember, click here to see the previous post. My love of drama has instilled in me a habit of GASPING. I thought about it the other day when my friend Shannon showed up on crutches due to a twisted ankle, and the sight of her injury elicited one hearty, robust intake of air. Then I remembered that I never posted Part 2 of Alicia's Gasp/No Gasp list.
Before you check it out however, I'd just like to point out to everyone, that the Gasp Worthy list is a lot longer than the Not Gasp Worthy list. Hmmm... interesting. Maybe my habit is not so unfounded after all...
So, without further ado, here it is:
GASP WORTHY (PART 2)
11. finding out the tooth fairy is real
12. waking up with cruella de ville hair
13. if lil kim became a supreme court justice
14. if i were to get chased by ninjas
15. if my poops were electric blue
16. if jason statham gets married to someone that is not me
17. if hammer pants come back into style and anna wintour wears them
18. if my sister jessie were able to levitate (cause it wouldn't be surprising if i could)
19. if you run into the “get off my train” dude from Ghost on the subway – that guy is terrifying
20. if you were to see a real life exorcism
21. if you were to see the alien come out of someone’s stomach in a diner – john hurt style
22. if I were to get braces again and I finally got to kiss ewan mcgreggor and he happened to have braces for a role and our braces get locked together
23. if gael garcia bernal makes a movie that doesn’t show him giving cunnalingus to a woman
24. if the Brooklyn bridge starts to warp while we are crossing it – like that freaky bridge did in Tacoma
25. if while watching a concert at madison square garden, you see the arena get sucked into a sinkhole (like that one in chile) and miraculously our two seats are the only ones that remain
26. spontaneous human combustion – anyone. Anywhere.
27. if you walk into my apartment and I’m having tea with oprah in our jammies
28. if we are getting air-lifted out of the water from some freakish accident and, while climbing up the ladder to the helicopter a Great White Shark jumps at us. (Like that photoshopped photo, but real)
29. If I ever finish a game of monopoly
30. If snuggle the laundry bear is really jack the ripper
31. if mel gibson ever has a comeback
32. if I cut the top of my thumb off – again. gross
Things that are NOT GASP WORTHY
11. if a new serial killer is discovered to be dressed as a clown - they are suspect
12. if you see a ghost – everyone knows they’re real, just stay out of their way
13. at the fact that peter gabriel taught a group of monkeys how to play instruments – that’s just cool
14. if you learn that time travel is possible, cause it is (however, if I time travel and wake up to find I'm getting chased by a saber tooth tiger, I will allow a gasp)
15. if my dog atticus started speaking. We all know he can, itt’s just his choice not to
16. if I pass out – I do it a lot
17. if I’m invited to race the indie 500
18. the line at the movies
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
FAT... and not the Ph(at) Kind
I am a size zero which means I only exist in your imagination.
- Sally, from the web series, In the Can
Last night I was perusing the Internet and found this article: Plus-sized article spurs heavy debate on CNN. Basically, CNN writer, Lisa Respers France writes about maireclaire.com's response to a blog she had written about the significance of having plus-sized people on television. Apparently, the writer for marieclaire.com created a whole skinny-vs.-plus sized sensation where, among other things, she said the following: “To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”
I'm sure you won't be surprised when I mention that there was a huge uproar in response to the blog. So much so, that both the writer of the blog and the editor-in-chief at Marie Claire have apologized. Thank goodness for that! To be clear, I am no skinny-minnie... in fact, by Hollywood standards I would be considered plus-sized. By next-door-neighbor standards however, you'd likely think I was average. I like to call it voluptuous(!). Though I am not obese and have not struggled with obesity, I have never related to any of the standard actresses on television or in typical fashion magazines. Plus-sized models would be way more up my alley.
What I find so fascinating about the uproar is how hipprocritical we all are (frankly, me included). Why is it that we live in one of the fattest countries in the world and yet still think that having a fat person on television means that everything about that character needs to relate to him or her being fat? Are we saying to the average (overweight) viewer that the only way that they should view themselves is through their size?
I know what you're thinking - these questions are all fine and good but how in the world do they relate to Best Laid Plans? Well...
I have struggled with keeping my weight down all of my life. I enjoy a burger. I enjoy ice cream and I don't enjoy waking up early to exercise. Thus, I have struggled with my weight my whole life. It used to make me not want to go out. Sometimes when I was out, it used to make me wish I could disappear into the crowd. If I had to walk across a room, I used to wonder whether everyone noticed how heavy I looked that day. I tell you this not because I enjoy blog confessionals, but simply because I feel sad about how willing people seem to be to only look at overweight people as one-dimensional fat people. I am cute. I am funny. I am smart. And I am overweight. I felt like, by the marieclaire.com's writer's standards - I was right to not leave my house. I was right to want to disappear into the crowd. My weight was all everyone would see. Frankly, in our society, whether you're slightly overweight, chubby or obese it doesn't seem to matter... simply... you are not THIN.
We all outwardly gasp at celebrities losing too much weight and yet, inwardly I think many of us wonder: how did they do that? Could I do that? Even if just for one week or one month? In truth, I wondered that all the time.
Now... and here comes the Best Laid Plans tie in... I wonder that less and less. I'm no liar - so I'm certainly not going to say that I'm never self-conscious about my weight. But it's less so now. Why? Because now I am much too busy living my life. If someone sees me walking my dog and needs to think "that's an overweight woman walking her dog" as opposed to, "that's a woman walking her dog," fine. I'm still out there. I'm still walking. I'm still enjoying my dog.
Though I'll admit, a part of me hopes that that someone walks into a tree while watching my size-whatever-tush walking away.
- Sally, from the web series, In the Can
Last night I was perusing the Internet and found this article: Plus-sized article spurs heavy debate on CNN. Basically, CNN writer, Lisa Respers France writes about maireclaire.com's response to a blog she had written about the significance of having plus-sized people on television. Apparently, the writer for marieclaire.com created a whole skinny-vs.-plus sized sensation where, among other things, she said the following: “To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”
I'm sure you won't be surprised when I mention that there was a huge uproar in response to the blog. So much so, that both the writer of the blog and the editor-in-chief at Marie Claire have apologized. Thank goodness for that! To be clear, I am no skinny-minnie... in fact, by Hollywood standards I would be considered plus-sized. By next-door-neighbor standards however, you'd likely think I was average. I like to call it voluptuous(!). Though I am not obese and have not struggled with obesity, I have never related to any of the standard actresses on television or in typical fashion magazines. Plus-sized models would be way more up my alley.
What I find so fascinating about the uproar is how hipprocritical we all are (frankly, me included). Why is it that we live in one of the fattest countries in the world and yet still think that having a fat person on television means that everything about that character needs to relate to him or her being fat? Are we saying to the average (overweight) viewer that the only way that they should view themselves is through their size?
I know what you're thinking - these questions are all fine and good but how in the world do they relate to Best Laid Plans? Well...
I have struggled with keeping my weight down all of my life. I enjoy a burger. I enjoy ice cream and I don't enjoy waking up early to exercise. Thus, I have struggled with my weight my whole life. It used to make me not want to go out. Sometimes when I was out, it used to make me wish I could disappear into the crowd. If I had to walk across a room, I used to wonder whether everyone noticed how heavy I looked that day. I tell you this not because I enjoy blog confessionals, but simply because I feel sad about how willing people seem to be to only look at overweight people as one-dimensional fat people. I am cute. I am funny. I am smart. And I am overweight. I felt like, by the marieclaire.com's writer's standards - I was right to not leave my house. I was right to want to disappear into the crowd. My weight was all everyone would see. Frankly, in our society, whether you're slightly overweight, chubby or obese it doesn't seem to matter... simply... you are not THIN.
We all outwardly gasp at celebrities losing too much weight and yet, inwardly I think many of us wonder: how did they do that? Could I do that? Even if just for one week or one month? In truth, I wondered that all the time.
Now... and here comes the Best Laid Plans tie in... I wonder that less and less. I'm no liar - so I'm certainly not going to say that I'm never self-conscious about my weight. But it's less so now. Why? Because now I am much too busy living my life. If someone sees me walking my dog and needs to think "that's an overweight woman walking her dog" as opposed to, "that's a woman walking her dog," fine. I'm still out there. I'm still walking. I'm still enjoying my dog.
Though I'll admit, a part of me hopes that that someone walks into a tree while watching my size-whatever-tush walking away.
Friday, September 17, 2010
This I Believe
Shooting for and writing on the BLP blog has, understandably, made me incredibly contemplative about the breakup of my marriage. I think it's for this reason that this period of my life has generated so much creative work. The work hasn't necessarily come from the heartbreak - rather - its developed more from this time since being heartbroken. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what the failure of my marriage means for me as a potential partner. I wonder if long-term relationships are something I'm even good at. Can I use the things that went wrong as lessons to learn from and avoid in future relationships, or is the failure just a sign that I'm perhaps not a good partner? In all likelihood the answer lies in the middle somewhere, but it's a question I've definitely been contemplating. It's funny then that this morning, I should receive an email telling me that an essay I'd written some time ago has been published on the website for: This I Believe . It's titled, "Relationships: Frieda-Style" and it's a review of my marriage as seen through my grandmother's fictional relationship self-help book. Maybe my personal contemplation can resonate for someone else who's struggled in their marriage?
Give it a read and let me know your thoughts: http://thisibelieve.org/essay/84161/
Give it a read and let me know your thoughts: http://thisibelieve.org/essay/84161/
Friday, July 30, 2010
An Interview with the Record Pilot
Recently I had the honor of being interview by Elizabeth Lanza at the "Record Pilot". It was my first experience with having a feature story written about me or any of my projects and I have to admit, it was pretty thrilling! I also realized that I might say the word "fun" a bit too much...
Anyway, check it out at: Interview with Julie
Anyway, check it out at: Interview with Julie
If I Were a Boy
The other night I was out at a bar listening to a band, and, after a few drinks, I was relaying some of my dating debacles to one of my guy friends. We hadn't hung out in a bit so he needed to be caught up on quite a few of my latest dates. When I was done with my tales he looked at me and said, simply, "Wow." Then he made me a sincere and interesting offer - he said that he would look over potential dates to translate their profiles from guy-speak to Julie-speak.
Interesting.
It made me think... are some of my dates not working out simply because I'm unable to read boy code? Can he offer me the online dating equivalent to the secret decoder ring in the box of Cheerios? Are men and women really so different that even a general dating profile needs to be translated for the opposite sex?
One general difference I've noticed between the ex's is that, what would take me and a number of girlfriends 20 words to say, would take my male friends about 5 words. Neither is better per se, but when you're trying to decipher a dude's profile - where only words and maybe some pics are available to you - I figured it'd be helpful to get a guy's interpretation on a dude's potential for me.
I took my friend up on his offer and showed him three profiles of potential matches. In less than 24 hours, I got the following interpretation from him:
Guy 1:
He looks like Larry David. He’s the guy you meet in a bar who looks like Larry David. Never mention Larry David when you’re trying to meet a lady. Larry David.
Guy 2:
He wants to date Jennifer Garner. He thinks he’s Ben Affleck.
Guy 3:
He’s at the store every Weds when the new comic books come out. Really (I mean REALLY) out of shape and if you’re lucky, has good hygiene.
In guy-speak terms, I went from considering a funny guy, a nice guy and a slightly dorky guy to a Larry David look-a-like, a guy I'm sorely mismatched with since I look nothing like Jennifer Garner and an out-of-shape, stinky comic book addict.
Now I'm wondering - has adding the guy-speak translation helped or hurt my cause?
What do you think? Do I need a man to meet a man?
Interesting.
It made me think... are some of my dates not working out simply because I'm unable to read boy code? Can he offer me the online dating equivalent to the secret decoder ring in the box of Cheerios? Are men and women really so different that even a general dating profile needs to be translated for the opposite sex?
One general difference I've noticed between the ex's is that, what would take me and a number of girlfriends 20 words to say, would take my male friends about 5 words. Neither is better per se, but when you're trying to decipher a dude's profile - where only words and maybe some pics are available to you - I figured it'd be helpful to get a guy's interpretation on a dude's potential for me.
I took my friend up on his offer and showed him three profiles of potential matches. In less than 24 hours, I got the following interpretation from him:
Guy 1:
He looks like Larry David. He’s the guy you meet in a bar who looks like Larry David. Never mention Larry David when you’re trying to meet a lady. Larry David.
Guy 2:
He wants to date Jennifer Garner. He thinks he’s Ben Affleck.
Guy 3:
He’s at the store every Weds when the new comic books come out. Really (I mean REALLY) out of shape and if you’re lucky, has good hygiene.
In guy-speak terms, I went from considering a funny guy, a nice guy and a slightly dorky guy to a Larry David look-a-like, a guy I'm sorely mismatched with since I look nothing like Jennifer Garner and an out-of-shape, stinky comic book addict.
Now I'm wondering - has adding the guy-speak translation helped or hurt my cause?
What do you think? Do I need a man to meet a man?
Monday, July 26, 2010
No Gasping Over Robert Pattinson
I have gratefully surrounded myself with good friends. They are loyal, funny, smart, fun and... honest. Many of you know my good friend, Alicia - who also happens to be my boss at On the Leesh Productions. Alicia and I have had a surprisingly easy time navigating the sometimes uncomfortable waters of a friend/boss relationship. We both have a work voice and a friend voice, and have keen ears to which is being used when. So it was to my surprise when, during a "friend conversation" Boss Alicia came out and commanded that I cease... gasping.
Yes, you've read that correctly. She commanded that I cease gasping. Now, I'm sure you're not surprised that I'm a gasper. Most who know me know that I have a flare for drama at times, and have had the occasion to react to something with a slight intake of breath... a gasp, if you will. Call it my dramatic outlet.
Back to the story at hand. One evening, Alicia and I were discussing I can't remember what, when she pointed to a long movie line that went around the corner. In reaction to said long line, I gasped.
After said gasp, Alicia promptly announced that she and I were in dire need of a gasp-appropriateness discussion. Apparently a long movie line is not gasp worthy and my throwing inhalations around like such cheap trash has brought on Alicia's ire.
About one week later, I received an email with the following subject line: THE GASP LIST. The body of the email contained two lists: Gasp Worthy and Not Gasp Worthy.
If you, like me, have a dramatic flare for things... I present you with Part 1 of your Gasp List Guide from my boss/friend combo, Alicia.
THE GASP LIST, Part 1 (written by Alicia, for Julie)
1. if i walk out of my office with stigmata
2. if you woke up pregnant tomorrow (i get to gasp)
3. if Russell Crowe comes out of the closet
4. if your dog, Dyna-Dog starts speaking Arabic
5. if your cat, Olivia runs up a $5,000 pay-per-porn charge on your cable box
6. if while sky diving with me, my shoot doesn't open
7. if Labron James announces that he moved to miami to join the ballet
8. setting eyebrows on fire
9. seeing Baryshnikov fall out of a pirouette
10. finding out Santa is not real
THE NOT GASP WORTHY LIST, Part 1 (by Alicia, written for Julie)
1. traffic
2. not getting the right salad dressing
3. out of toilet paper
4. hearing Bad Romance four times in one-hour on the radio
5. seeing R-Patz
( i will however allow a gasp if you see r-pats, coach mark wahlberg, george clooney, leo, riggins and paul newman (circa exodus) all playing basketball as skins against the harlem globetrotters (yes even the fictional characters and the dead guy must be present to warrant a full gasp)
6. burning toast
7. a run in your panty hose
8. learning that it's a small world is not running - it always gets backed up
( i will however allow a gasp if the only working ride were the wed way people mover)
9. if i pee my pants on Kingda Ka - have you seen that ride?
10. if you meet the real life Cullens (no one would believe you, so don't waste a gasp)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Dating Advice
My friend Shannon, who might I mention, has her own blog HERE, recently strapped me down and made me listen to Miley Cyrus songs repeatedly until I told her my login and password for the online dating site that I'm on. And when I say she strapped me down and forced MC's music into my ears, I mean that she asked me for the information politely. Since entering the online dating world, Shannon has offered many an opinion about my choices in dudes. My dating life thus far has included being cursed out, being told a guy's sexual fantasy in sordid detail and being given poetry about a dead pet - and these all happened before I went on an actual date with any of them! I'd go to my married friend Shannon with wide-eyes and my mouth hanging open in curious wonder and she'd offer me a glass of wine and then kindly tell me that I didn't know how to pick the right guy(!). It was her wish that she perform a coup on the ruling party that was ME and become the leader of my online single existence. Perhaps she anticipated more resistance, but in all honesty, I was relieved! Fabulous, I thought! Take over! If I'm never cursed out again it won't be soon enough! And so it was that Shannon became Julie online.
The very next day I woke up to an email from her, announcing that she'd contacted the perfect man for me. She had found my destiny. She espoused how much we had in common, how cute he was and, though one cannot read tone in an email, I imagined she was typing whilst grinning and skipping. With the backing of my Ruler of Romance, I went ahead and contacted the guy that same day. I thought, you know, this might actually work. Shannon is one of my closest friends - my Clint Eastwood if you will - having been right by my side through the good, the bad, and some of the ugliest times I've ever had. She's offered advice and her opinion on all aspects of my life - why not go one step further and have her do a little matchmaking for me? I knew she was secretly writing a wedding toast for my upcoming nuptial with this perfect man. It might be safe to say that she was more excited than I was.
He never contacted me back.
After about a week, I told Shannon that I never heard from him. This time it was her coming to me, wide-eyed, with her mouth hanging open in curious wonder and me with a ready glass of wine. After all, friendship, like online dating, goes both ways.
The very next day I woke up to an email from her, announcing that she'd contacted the perfect man for me. She had found my destiny. She espoused how much we had in common, how cute he was and, though one cannot read tone in an email, I imagined she was typing whilst grinning and skipping. With the backing of my Ruler of Romance, I went ahead and contacted the guy that same day. I thought, you know, this might actually work. Shannon is one of my closest friends - my Clint Eastwood if you will - having been right by my side through the good, the bad, and some of the ugliest times I've ever had. She's offered advice and her opinion on all aspects of my life - why not go one step further and have her do a little matchmaking for me? I knew she was secretly writing a wedding toast for my upcoming nuptial with this perfect man. It might be safe to say that she was more excited than I was.
He never contacted me back.
After about a week, I told Shannon that I never heard from him. This time it was her coming to me, wide-eyed, with her mouth hanging open in curious wonder and me with a ready glass of wine. After all, friendship, like online dating, goes both ways.
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